I think im going to throw up on grandma
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Randomize
