And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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