If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit