ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number