True but thats because hes a fetus.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
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i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
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I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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