Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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