Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My breasts were aching with rage.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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