Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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