I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
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I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
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It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch