I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
