your thong is hanging out like whoa
haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
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HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
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I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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