Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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