drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
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while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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