I bet he comes in French.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
