Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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