So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
