i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize