Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
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