Your mouth is God's brothel.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
