I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
