I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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