Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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