what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
