No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
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He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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