TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that