He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on