I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
