Swine flu. Run for my life!
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
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