The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize