I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
