rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
