Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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