Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
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Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
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When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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