my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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