fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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