I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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