I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
