Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
