It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize