I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
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Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
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It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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