I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
