Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
