i jhust puked up my retainher.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
