Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
