Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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