i jhust puked up my retainher.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
