I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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