elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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