The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
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All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
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See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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