i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
