Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
