I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
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I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
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Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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